I don’t know if you remember this but back in the 80’s there was this movie called “They Live!” In it Roddy Piper finds a box of sunglasses and when he puts a pair on it lets him see that a great many leaders in politics and industry are actually hideous space aliens. Without the glasses they just look like normal people. Given recent events on the campaign trail, I’m amazed at what a forward thinking movie this was.

Despite not having these sunglasses, we’ve been fortunately able to get a good look at Donald Trump and see that he is an alien predator. This was most obvious in debate number two when he stood behind Hillary Clinton as she addressed an audience member like he was Lucifer standing by Linda Blair’s bed, daring the moderator, the audience, and Max von Sydow to do anything about it. This positioning is classic and recognizable, and is referred to by psychiatric professionals as “psycho-icky-creepy.”

But our discovery of Trump’s alien origin has really been by accident. Most professional psychotics keep themselves better concealed. That’s the thing that concerns me: how many more people like Trump are walking around, running for office, or running the world? What degree of ignorance are the rest of us living in because we don’t have those sunglasses that would allow us to detect politicians who eat hamsters? For example, for years I always thought that Rudy Giuliani was just some one-time mayor of New York. And that was it. It’s only recently that I’ve discovered–following his highly entertaining attempt to defend Trump’s “locker room banter”–that he too is this Gorn-like reptile from outer space.*

*(Discussion question: In the Star Trek episode “Arena”, do you think Captain Kirk could have defeated the Gorn by making a bazooka out of a really big tube of bamboo? I don’t think so. I’m pretty sure bamboo isn’t strong enough to contain the blast. Also, didn’t Mythbusters address this very issue once? Feel free to comment.)

A good number of Republican politicos have finally “put on the sunglasses” and are distancing themselves from Trump. Many on the other side ask, “Why now? What changed things for you?” I have a theory: Prior to Trump’s recent rendering of the Vagina Monologues to Billy Bush, the Republicans stood by his side as he insulted Mexicans, Muslims, POW’s, and the disabled. And the reason they stayed with him is because they’re not married to someone who’s a Mexican, a Muslim, a POW, or disabled. What they’re married to is a spry, Euro-American woman who doesn’t know what the Hanoi Hilton is. This changes things. Because this is the person in their home. And it took a lot of time and effort to get her attention, and a lot more time and effort to get to the point where she’d let them touch her and then make babies with her. Many Republicans don’t want to throw that away, and are subsequently taking a firmly ambivalent and vague stance in order to “maintain the home nooky status quo”. Because they know when their wife asks who they’re going to support for the presidency, and they say “the grabby pussy guy,” the response from her will be as pleasing as room temperature Coors.

But Trump has defended himself in this latest thing by doing what he does best: throwing others under the bus. And here he’s chosen to throw under the bus every adult male in America by saying that the conversation he had with Billy Bush was “locker room banter.” The idea here is to suggest that it’s normal and that all males do this when they’re having a steam and women are not around. It’s just a guy thing. I would like to go on record here and inform all women that this is not normal. And it’s not locker room banter. Here’s an example of actual locker room banter, so that you can see the difference between it and the Trump/Bush conversation.

Locker room banter:

(Both the football team’s wide receiver and quarterback have showered and are now dressing at their lockers which are next to each other. The two are played by “Lance” and “Biff” respectively).

Lance: “Can I borrow your spray-on deodorant?”

Biff: “What am I, a convenience store?”

Lance: “Well, you’re not much of a quarterback given that you threw four interceptions today and we lost the game, so I thought I’d give you the opportunity to make a positive contribution to the team in some other way.”

Biff: “How about I contribute my fist to your face?”

Lance: “Is that a no?”

Biff: “Does the pope where a funny hat?”

See, that’s actual locker room banter. I bet that’s way different than what you were led to believe, huh?

And yet many people are still supporting Trump. Why? Because “I’ll make everything better” is so much easier to grasp than all that complicated Hillary crap about other countries, and financial responsibility, and how the earth actually works, and whatever, and blah blah blah. And by being a self-absorbed, inconsiderate buffoon he’s garnered the undying devotion of everyone who’s incapable of fitting their car between two yellow lines or figuring out how their turn signal works. And while many Republicans have acknowledged that a Trump presidency will be ruinous for America, they are still going to vote for Trump in order to secure their right to buy a flame thrower without having to show a picture I.D.

So in the overall picture the country is just about equally divided. I think the country would be equally divided if the two candidates for president were Mahatma Gandhi and an eel in a fish tank. The idiotic two-party system (or in this case the one and two thirds-party system) we have now does nothing but create divisiveness (good for the World Series, bad for running a country). This is why we have to change our present one and two-thirds party system to a multiple party system. I would suggest twelve parties. We could expand it to twelve and two-thirds if we decide to include the Republicans. But they would have to change their name. I would suggest “The Jets.”

I’m sure there are other reasons for people voting for Trump. I suspect it has nothing to do with emails, or Constitutional rights, or guns, or anything like that. I think it’s a matter of being irked by being told for decades by some of those on the left that the irresponsible behavior of people you’ve never met is actually a result of something you did first, even though nobody can remember exactly what it was. I can appreciate that. But, Republicans, you need to take one for the team here. Here’s the deal: vote Hillary into office this time, and then spend the next four years picking a candidate for yourself, and we’ll let that person be president in 2020! We won’t even bother voting! It could be anybody! We’ll even let Sarah Palin be president (four years max, not eight). We’re just telling you right now that we’ll let you win in 2020 (not Ann Coulter, though).

OK, so it’s a deal. I’m glad that’s straightened out at least. That still leaves us with the problem of identifying the lizard space aliens before we accidentally vote for one of them to be president or mayor or the star of their own reality TV show. I am therefore calling on the only group that can save us: the people who invented Google Glass. Google Glass people, here is your opportunity to recoup the millions of dollars you lost by having built a stupid product. You just need one more tweak and the whole thing will sell like hot cakes. You’re actually almost there. Just cut the GPS and the Excel sheet you can control with your retina, and hone in on the the big picture. We need just one thing. So get busy on this “view an alien” aspect. America is counting on you. Also see if you can make them less stupid looking. Also, Google contacts would be nice. Or aviators. And bring the price down. And give Paul Ryan and Huma Abedin a pair for free.