Double-0 Bama, Our Man In Korea

November 29th, 2017

Washington (CNN) Former President  Barack Obama embarks Tuesday on a five-day trip to China, India, and France, where he will meet with many of his former counterparts, including Chinese President Xi Jinping, Obama’s spokeswoman told CNN.

Obama, who will be in Shanghai to deliver remarks at the Global Alliance of SMEs Summit, will meet with Xi for the first time since September 2016, when both leaders ratified the Paris climate agreement in their respective countries… … … … …

(Three days earlier…)

The snowy Swiss Alps. From the distance, racing down the mighty mountain, a skier approaches. A short distance behind is another. The first comes to the foreground and stops with an assertive swoosh. He raises his goggles. It’s Double-0 Bama. The other skier, a woman, now swooshes up beside him. He nods and smiles, silently complimenting her on her swooshing form. She smiles back. She’s wearing a bikini.

A loud noise disturbs the quiet. It’s caused by the rotor blades from an enormous CH-47 Chinook helicopter. The couple on the mountain look up, surprised by its sudden appearance as it comes closer then stops and hovers above them. They study it curiously. Then giant doors on its belly slowly open. A giant fan on the inside spins into action. The girl’s hair stands straight up in response to the sucking action of the fan. Slowly both of them lift off the ground, higher and higher, until they are pulled inside the copter. The doors close. The machine tips its nose and moves off quickly.

(A small office. A woman sits behind a metal desk. Double-0 Bama enters and puts his hat on the coat rack)

Woman: (pleasantly) Good afternoon, Double-0 Bama.

Double-0 Bama: Moneypenny.

Woman: How was your trip?

Double-0 Bama: Uplifting.

Woman: You can go right in. M’s expecting you.

(He opens the adjoining door and enters. Behind a large mahogany desk sits M. Off to the side sits another man of about the same age–Q)

M: Ah, Double-0 Bama. So good to see you. Sorry to have to bring you out of retirement like this but something’s come up. Have a seat.

(Double-0 Bama sits before him)

M: Have you been following the papers lately?

Double-0 Bama: Since my retirement I’ve found more interesting things to follow.

M: Yes, indeed. Well then, let me get you up to speed. East Asia has gone absolutely mad. We might actually be on the brink of nuclear war.

Double-0 Bama: Who is it that has the itchy trigger finger?

M: North Korea. Specifically, their president Kim Jong-un. South Korea’s in a panic. Japan is too. Kim’s been testing ballistic missiles lately and the tests have gone better than we’d like–except for the one that caved in their volcano, but that’s irrelevant. Fact is, they might even be able to send an ICBM all the way here.

Double-0 Bama: If here, then everywhere.

M: Pretty much.

Double-0 Bama: Why’s Kim so tense?

M: He feels threatened. Feel’s his country is a target of an imminent attack.

Double-0 Bama: By who?

M: America.

Double-0 Bama: That’s ridiculous. America wouldn’t launch a first strike. Well, not against a little country like North Korea anyway. Especially given their considerable capacity to respond. Against Holland maybe.

M: He’s been made to believe otherwise.

Double-0 Bama: Do we know by who?

M: Of course we do. It’s T.R.U.M.P.

Double-0 Bama: I suppose I should have guessed that. But how?

M: Tell me, Double-0 Bama, do you know what the id is?

Double-0 Bama: Well, yes, as I recall from my university days it was–as Freud described it–the base nature of the human psyche.

Q: (from his chair off right) Specifically it’s the disorganized part of the personality structure that contains basic instinctual drives and which is unresponsive to the demands of reality.

M: Indeed. Thank you, Q. (looking seriously at Double-0 Bama) Our sources tell us that T.R.U.M.P. has developed a Super Id. Something never seen before in the history of mankind. Not only that, but it’s been deployed already.

Double-0 Bama: Good Lord.

M: Yes, I know. We’d been keeping a close eye on T.R.U.M.P for the last couple of years. We knew something was in development. Our initial information said it was some sort of giant brain fart. We were not too concerned. But we’ve recently learned that was just a cover to throw us off of the real development of the Super Id. Consequently, having been exposed to it, Kim Jong-un is now as great a threat to the world if not a greater threat than T.R.U.M.P. Because he’s going to react to it. And some think it may be too late to do anything about it.

Double-0 Bama: But you don’t.

M: We might have one chance. And that’s why you’re here. We’ve made it known to the press that you’re going on a tour of several countries in the far east, including China. Where you’re actually going is to North Korea.

Double-0 Bama: Is Michelle coming?

M: No, unfortunately she’s on assignment in Luxembourg. You’ll have to do this one without her. Sorry, I know you always made a good team.

Double-0 Bama: What about the kids?

M: They’re back with their actual parents now. I think it would be wrong to upheave them. They did give up ten years of their young lives and we really shouldn’t ask any more of them. Don’t you agree?

Double-0 Bama: Fair enough.

M: We’ve worked out the logistics. We can not only get you into the country, but we can get you into Residence Number 55. If all goes according to plan, you’ll be able to get within four feet of Kim Jong-un.

Double-0 Bama: And… (hesitating)… do what then?

M: Invite him to lunch.

Double-0 Bama: Lunch?

M: Lunch. We’re convinced that if Kim Jong-un realizes that the Western world is run by actual human beings, his fears of attack will be allayed and he’ll have no need to feel threatened. Yes, Double-0 Bama, we’re counting on your expertise in charm to avert a nuclear holocaust. Just talk to the man, over lunch.

Double-0 Bama: Really, that’s your plan?

M: Have you got a better one?

(Double-0 Bama lifts his eyebrows, looks askance, and says nothing)

M: There’s only one problem with the Lunch Plan.

Double-0 Bama: What’s that?

M: There’s no food in Korea.

Double-0 Bama: That could be a problem.

M: Fortunately Q has some ideas. (looking left) Q?

(Q approaches the desk with a briefcase. He lays it on the desk)

Q: Now, this looks like an everyday attache case, wouldn’t you agree?

Double-0 Bama: Absolutely. What is it really?

Q: A picnic basket.

M: The plan is this, Double-0 Bama: we’ll have our man in a car pick you both up at Residence Number 55. Our people on the inside will tell Kim Jong-un that he’s going with you to a meeting at the United Nations. It’s a ruse of course, because the United Nations is in New York. We’re pretty sure Kim Jong-un is not aware of that. After about a five-minute drive you’ll pass a park. At this time you tell him you want to get out and stretch your legs and that you’re hungry. Our driver will stop the car and you’ll walk through the park. At the appropriate time you’ll say you want to sit and rest and then you’ll put the picnic basket down on the grass–

Double-0 Bama: Do they have grass?

M: Oh, Q?

Q: Yes.

M: You’ll put the picnic basket down on the grass, and open the lid.

(Q opens the lid of the attache case)

Q: In the upper compartment is your cold chicken: two legs, two breasts, two wings. We’re not sure of his preference so best be prepared. The white pen is actually a salt shaker and the black pen pepper. The traditional cyanide tablet is filled with condensed and liquefied Carolina Reaper chili pepper. Asian people like it hot so put this on his kimchi. He’ll appreciate your consideration. Word of caution: this is the hottest chili pepper in the world. Make sure you give it to him to use, but don’t put it on your own food. It could be fatal.

Double-0 Bama: Got it. What’s the big disk here on the bottom? Aerodynamic plastic explosive?

Q: Frisbee.

M: We’ve heard the president likes to play. Use that to your advantage.

(Double-0 Bama sees a small semi-automatic 22 caliber handgun secured to the side with a Velcro strip and removes it)

Double-0 Bama: My old friend–my Walther PPK. Will that be necessary?

M: It will be if he wants a smoke after lunch. It’s a cigarette lighter.

Q: These are two calcium ammonium nitrate ice packs. Squeeze them to create an endothermic reaction. Do this on the plane before you take off. Put one on this side of the upper case and the other on the other upper side of the case. They’ll keep everything in the case cold for twenty-four hours.

M: And that’s all the time you’re going to have, Double-0 Bama. Twenty four hours. After that, we don’t know how long the potato salad will keep.

Double-0 Bama: Check.

(Double-0 Bama closes the case and walks to the door with it. M follows)

M: Good luck, Double-0 Bama. The world is counting on you.

Double-0 Bama: Thanks.

(He turns to leave)

M: Oh and, Double-0 Bama, I meant to tell you: nice job on that American Presidency thing.

Double-0 Bama: My pleasure.

Da daaaaa da daaaaa! Da daa daaaaa!

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