Ureen. For that whitest of smiles, ask your apothecary for Ureen.
“To keep your teeth bright, shiny, white, and clean,
If you’re out of urine just use Ureen.”
Hormoze’s Goat Spray. To keep your goat from becoming the Devil, spray him with Hormoze’s. Yes, Hormoze’s–Keeping livestock possession-free for almost two generations.
And now, here’s Noblid.
Noblid: Hello, and welcome to Persepolis Today! I’m your host Noblid the Nosy, Son of Lothar the Inappropriate, Dweller By The River In The Hut By The Tree That Has A Bucket Nailed To It. There’s no denying that all of Persepolis is abuzz–at least what’s left of it–following the recent visit of Alexander the Great. And the questions people want answered are: What is Alexander really like, and what makes him so great? For this we shall go to the man in the road.
(With man in road)
Noblid: Excuse me, sir. Alexander the Great and his equally great army has just swept through Persepolis in the last week. Can you tell me why people think he’s so great?
Man: Well, that’s his name, isn’t it? The Great. Says it all right there.
Noblid: Yes, but why do you think he has that name?
Man: He must be great.
(To other man beside him)
Noblid: You sir, why do you think Alexander the Great is so great?
Man: Well, he united us, you know. No more petty squabbles and such between one group and another group. The people of the Achaemenid Empire are all one now. We’re united.
Noblid: Most of you are also dead.
Man: You gotta break some eggs if you’re gonna make an omelet, you know?
(Approaching old stooped woman sweeping in front of hut)
Noblid: Good day, dear old woman. Might I ask your name?
Woman: Flaccidass, War Queen of the Britons. Who are you?
Noblid: Noblid the Nosy. That’s not really you’re name, is it?
Woman: What do you think?
Woman: Good guess. Barbaria.
Noblid: Ah. Tell me, Barbaria–
Woman: Daughter of Flibbertigibbet, Wife of Moodle Doo the Insipid.
Noblid: Tell me, Barbaria, Daughter of Flibbertigibbet, Wife of Moodle Doo the Insipid–
Woman: Quester of the Golden Amulet of Ra Ha Ha, Giver of the Big Meat Pot To Whoozits Down The Road Who Never Gave It Back.
Noblid: Tell me, Barbaria, Daughter of Flibbertigibbet, Wife of Moodle Doo the Insipid, Quester of the Golden Amulet–
Woman: Nah, I’m just funnin’ ya’. It’s just Barbaria. You can call me Barb. All my friends do.
Noblid: Barb. Splendid. Tell me, Barb, we understand you actually met Alexander the Great. Is that true?
Noblid: Tell us about that.
Woman: He and some other fellers pushed open the door of the hut here. At first I was scared. But then he said, “Fear not, old woman. We mean you no harm. We search only for your sons so that we may kill them, be they of military age.” And I said, “I ain’t got no sons of military age.” And so he said, “Then we leave you in peace, good woman.” And they left.
Noblid: And how do you feel about him?
Woman: Seemed nice enough.
(Man with dog standing by smoldering rubble)
Noblid: Excuse me, sir. I wonder if I might ask you some questions about the recent visit of Alexander the Great.
Man: OK. Did you want to know my name?
Noblid: No. Firstly, why do you think he’s called The Great?
Man: He’s a military genius.
Noblid: Some also say he’s a homicidal maniac.
Man: Oh, well, I’d like to hold off on saying a thing like that.
Noblid: Exactly what interaction did you have with him?
Man: He burned down my house. Burned all my crops. Kicked my dog.
Noblid: And how do you feel about that?
Man: He’s okay by me.
Noblid (facing forward) There you have it. Testimony to one man’s greatness. A greatness so great, it’s his actual name. Thank you for joining me this week on Persepolis Today where each week we look at current events and the people of Persepolis. Tune in next week should there still be anything left of it. I’m Noblid the Nosy, Son of Lothar the Inappropriate, Dweller By The River In The Hut By The Tree That Has A Bucket Nailed To It. Good night.
Man: Is my interview over?
Noblid: Uh, yeah?
Man: You could have said something, like thank you or goodbye or thanks for your time, instead of just turning away and talking to whoever. Seemed rude.
Noblid: Alexander the Macedonian just burned your house down. But I’m rude?
Man: You ain’t Great. I know that. You want some beans?
Noblid: No thank you.