Panning For Presidents


It’s November 2015 and we’ve now had a good look at all those running for president. I’m befuddled in selecting a party to throw my support to. On the one hand we have the Republicans with their intriguing mix of Christianity and intolerance–something not seen since the Reichstag burned down in 1933. And then on the other hand we have the Democrats whose motto this year is “Building A Better America By Letting The Lumpenproletariat Run Amok.” It’s quite a dilemma.

I always considered myself a Democrat. But I noticed as time passed I would pick up the newspaper and see things like “Republicans Take Control of Senate” and I would snicker. I knew something was happening to me. I was being transformed. I was drifting away from the liberal message of everybody being equal and inherently wonderful and slowly embracing the Republican message of “Don’t screw up.” In the words of former speech writer Peggy Noonan, “I didn’t join the right, I fled from the left.”

That all having been said, I did in fact vote for Obama in 2012. But I did this for one specific reason: I was convinced Mitt Romney was the Antichrist. Still am. Sorry, Mitt. But apparently I’m not alone.

The Democrats are a consistent group. I will give them that. When it comes to their expectations for each citizen accepting personal responsibility and behaving in a civilized manner, they have consistently lowered the bar a little bit more every year to the point now where no one can see it lying in the grass. As for the Republicans, less whimsy would suit them better: “Life begins at conception and that’s the important thing, unless it could be, you know, awkward. And illegal aliens are breaking the law; let’s send them packing. Oops, we didn’t get any Mexican votes in 2012. Let’s say nice things about them in 2016. No, Trump’s planning a wall. Let’s support that. Better yet–a moat! No, we have one already–the Rio Grande. Doesn’t work. Whatta’ we gonna’ do?”

I know: annex Mexico. Poof–they’re all Americans so they can stay put. Problem solved. We wouldn’t even have to fire a shot let alone show up because I can’t imagine anybody there objecting. Just send a note.

However this election turns out I’m willing to accept the outcome provided the outcome does not include Donald Trump. I am counting on the Republican Party’s integrity–something I’m sure they could find somewhere, maybe at Sam’s Club, wholesale–to not endorse Trump as their candidate. I don’t want a president who scans the back of magazines looking for ads that say “Eastern European women wish to meet wealthy ill-mannered American dorks.” Nor do I want a president who will call Chinese Premier Le Keqiang up at 3am to tell him he doesn’t think his wife is very hot. Nor do I want a president that filed bankruptcy four times. I know Trump has defended this as “smart business” but I would note that the St. Valentine’s Day Massacre was also “smart business” and that wasn’t okay either.

Bernie Sanders seems like a nice enough person. My concern is that he’s going to insist every police officer in the country arm themselves with a squirt gun and a joy buzzer. And then in the unstoppable Reign Of Terror that follows, everybody in the 30% tax bracket or higher will get sent to the guillotine.

I think Hillary has the experience to handle the presidency given her having been Secretary of State. My concern is her taste in husbands, and their Pequod and Moby Dick marriage.

As for Marco Rubio, I don’t like the cut of his jib.

Carly Fiorina: Never heard of her.

Republican Ben Carson (a) believes the pyramids were built to store Cheerios rather than dead kings and (b) believes archaeologists think the pyramids were built by aliens despite the archaeologists having said, “No we don’t.” In defense of his position Ben says, “And when you look at the way the pyramids are made, with many chambers that are hermetically sealed, they’d have to be that way for various reasons. And various of scientists have said, ‘Well, you know, there were alien beings that came down and they have special knowledge and that’s how.’ You know, it doesn’t require an alien being when God is with you.”

I can certainly see his perspective. It doesn’t make any sense, but I can see it, because I’m looking at it. One thing I need to point out to Ben, though, is that “hermetically sealed” means sealed in a way in which nothing can get out or in. If the Biblical Joseph organized the construction of these at the behest of Pharaoh for the purpose of storing food to thwart the inevitability of famine, the fact that the Egyptians couldn’t get into them would be a considerable design flaw. And while Ben’s perspective is a concern, my main reason for not voting for him would be the fact that he is on record as having said “various of scientists.”

This is a weak field. But I demand a president who is a winner, a leader, someone who will charge boldly and confidently forward. This is why I’m starting a write-in campaign to support the nomination of this year’s Triple Crown winner American Pharoah for president. Granted, there will be hurdles to overcome, such as,

1) Close association with owner Ahmed Zayat, the only Egyptian in the world who can’t spell “pharaoh”. Could lose the Linguist vote.

2) Like Kennedy and Obama before him, not the traditional White Anglo-Saxon Protestant but, rather, a horse. Possibly a Unitarian.

But on the plus side,

1) Weighs thirteen hundred pounds–should be able to easily intimidate Putin.

And he’s a winner. Anybody who saw the Preakness Stakes knows he runs great in the mud and the slop. What better proof he can handle the American political process? He’s perfect.

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